OK, so I don’t know about you, but I have a very fine sense of smell, to the point where strong scents can really irritate me. Cause headaches, even. Another thing I don’t know, is if you’ve ever been to England. I have. I am. And Oh. My. God(!) do the men here love their body spray. I know, it must come as a shock if you’ve ever encountered the stuff, but never lived anywhere that so many guys actually use it. It’s incomprehensible to me why anyone would wear this caricature of perfume, but they do, and bucketloads of it. I don’t know exactly how to describe or sufficiently explain my aversion to the stuff, so I’ll let this image do it for me:

 

Bye Felipé!

Bye Felipé!

 

 

I am not alone by any means. I’ve talked to so many women who feel the same way. Let me say before we get the “but women also..” men here: I am aware that many women overspray as well. They shower themselves with their DKNY Red Delicious or Britney Spears: Fantasy (this is just what I imagine the overspraying girls wear, sorry, I’m not sorry), and it’s almost just as bad. The difference between the two, is that in the case of many women, the scent itself at least has the redeeming quality that it’s nice, or at the very least decent. This is not the case of Axe body spray, or any other similar body spray I’ve ever encountered. They smell as if they’ve been developed by men who sat around a table and went “OK men, let’s make a manly smelling man scent, so that we can maningly smell manly and shit”, because there is no way any woman with an ounce of good taste has smelled that and gone “You know what? Fuck yeah!”.

 

“But Cah Cah, how can I up my ‘scentualness’?”

 

Fret not, I have written down some tips for those you who want to go from chav to suave, smellwise, so without further ado I present to you:

 

Cah Cah’s tips for men who want to smell nice:


1. Buy a nice cologne (something musky and sexy, like Pi by Givenchy)

 

Givenchy-Pi logo

Wear it, and stare at men who use body spray like that. Now you know better.

I was smelling this at a perfume shop once, and the young man who worked there said “Are you buying this for a boyfriend? That is more of a mature man’s smell. Well suited for older gentleman.”, so I just smiled nastily with a really dirty look in my eyes as if to indicate I was sleeping with someone really old. He looked uncomfortable, and I was left alone. Win-win.

 

Probably what the poor guy imagined was going on.

Probably what the poor guy imagined was going on.

 


2. Apply sparingly, so that women can only smell it if they get close enough.

 

Very nice, one gentle spritz is enough.

Very nice, one gentle spritz is enough.

 

By close enough, I mean so close that only from there should it ever be acceptable to smell a person. Your scent shouldn’t fill up an entire room and linger when you leave (that is true even if you smell nice). You’re a person, not Fabreze.

 

For fuck sake, John.

For fuck’s sake, John.


3. Flirt with a woman you find attractive, and at some point lean in say something to her. Only at this point should she be able to smell musky sex.

 

This is sexy.

This is sexy.

When a guy leans in, and you just catch a whiff of his scent. Now that’s hot.


5. Watch her try to hide her bodily reactions.

 

He was actually just hitting her with his scent.

He was actually just hitting her with his scent.

 

That hot.

 

6. Fuck bitches.

 

See how nice he smells?

See how nice he smells?

 

I promise it will improve your game!

 

7. Throw anything labeled “Axe” and/or “body spray” so far away, that even if found, there is no possible way to ever connect it to you.

 

I'm talking Hercules-throwing-the-titans-into-space-where-they-explode kind of throwing.

I’m talking Hercules-throwing-the-titans-into-space-where-they-explode kind of throwing.

 

Seriously, just get rid of it.

 

There you have it! Enjoy smelling nice and notice how people don’t squint their eyes an wiggle their noses constantly when you’re around. If you enjoyed this post, or if you want to tell someone that they stink in a passive-aggresive way, please like and share this with everyone, especially the Smelly Cats.

 

 

Yours,

 

 

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