There’s an article written by a supposed feminist called “The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm”, that claims there is no such thing as a vaginal orgasm – the clitoris is the only orgasm capable organ on a woman. It goes on to cite studies that were – unsurprisingly – conducted by men who found “no physiological evidence of orgasmic capability” inside a woman’s vagina. Any woman who has ever slept with a man knows what an underwhelming experience it can be, and is therefore as unbaffled by their conclusion as I am. It is a shame, however, that their claims are then backed by testimonies from women who have obviously never had an adequate lover. You might sit there thinking “I’ve had great sex, but I’ve never had a vaginal orgasm!” – you and I define great sex differently, then. Great sex is, in my opinion, when both parties are able to reach their maximum potential, and you my dear reader (if you’re female) are capable of so much more! You might not think you want any more. Fair enough. As women we’re taught from the age of 0 to accommodate a patriarchical society and a fragile male ego, and telling your lover that you’re just not being fully satisfied might seem like the ultimate blow (well, the negative version of an ultimate blow, that is), but are we not in essence doing our men a huge disservice when we lead them to believe they’re much better lovers than they actually are? And as great a disservice it might be to them, it is an infinitely greater disservice to ourselves. A lot of women go their entire lives never experiencing the full extent of pleasure that their bodies are capable of producing, not having a clue what they’re missing. Ignorance is bliss is a popular saying, however, some women only go, say, half their lives not knowing, and when they find out they realize how much time they’ve wasted. 45-year-old Jane gets divorced, starts dating again, and sleeps with sex connoisseur John. For the first time in her life she gets a vaginal orgasm. She’s spent a hypothetical 29 years of her life having a sex life that in essence is sub par. Why is this OK? In any case, I feel women should be able to make an informed decision as to whether or not their current sex life is satisfactory, and by informed I mean know this: vaginal orgasms are a real, separate, and for all intents and purposes, much better, stronger, and more satisfying orgasm than clitoral orgasms, and you can have them too. “Well if they’re real, of course I can have them too!” you might be thinking, and you’d be absolutely correct! There is, however, another myth surrounding vaginal orgasms that goes something along the lines of “only 30% of women can experience vaginal orgasms.” I’m not a medical doctor, but seeing as how a lot of them believe that vaginal orgasms don’t exist, I don’t think it disqualifies my words, and I’ll tell you that while of course there are physiological differences between women that might increase or decrease our sensitivity, how easily we orgasm etc., the idea that this difference should range from “penetrate-and-there” to “impossible” is completely ridiculous (unless you have some sort of medical condition, which I definitely would consider inability to orgasm to be).
On top of having unfulfilling sex lives, we’re taught to blame ourselves for the sexual inadequacies of men. “You need to learn how to let your head go.” “You need to learn to stop over thinking during sex.” There is nothing inherently wrong with those sentences, but they’re only half the story. Sex is first and foremost about communication, and in order to communicate both parties need to listen to each other. When desires have been or are being communicated, it’s nice to be with a man who knows how to get us out of our heads. Odds are, if a woman is spending her time in her head when she’s in bed with you doing the nasty, she’s bored(accurate example). But bad sex is not just boring – in some cases it can leave you feeling something very close to violated. When you agree to have sex with someone, be it a regular partner, friend, or complete stranger, surely it should be an enjoyable experience for both parties. When talking about the latter, that is hardly ever the case. All too often one night stands are unsatisfactory for the woman, and we’re taught that one night stands are just like that in general; it’s to be expected and accepted. But why? Surely there is no rule that says they can’t be enjoyable, even memorable, so why is it such a “fact” that one night stands are just unpleasurable for women in general? Are the men we sleep with once less obligated to put in an effort? I say no. You’re still allowing this person to use your body for their own pleasure, so why is it so much to ask for that in return? Why are women basically taught that we can’t expect to be satisfied from a one night stand? Any decent lover will make sure to satisfy their sexual partner, whether this is a partner they’ll have again or not. Have men stopped taking pride in their ability to satisfy a woman, or have we ourselves simply lowered the bar so much for them, in order to make sure that they are satisfied? One thing is for certain: speaking to women I know in preparation for writing this blog, it is very apparent that an enjoyable, orgasm from a one night stand is a rarity – for women, that is. There is no reason women shouldn’t be able to enjoy orgasms as often as men do. It might take us longer to get there, but why should that discourage you? There are so many things in life that are rushed, that we consider chores, things that we just have to get over with – why does sex have to one of them? If you’re just going to have sex for your own pleasure and not consider your partner’s pleasure at all, you’d be better off having sex by yourself, because having sex with yourself through another person’s body is violating them.
“Sex is about more than just having an orgasm!” This is true; it’s about having multiple orgasms. I joke (well, kind off). Yes, there is so much more to sex than having an orgasm, but it saddens me when having an orgasm becomes “a man’s thing”, and that is essentially the development we’ve seen. Women contend themselves to having orgasms every once in a while, but why? Why is your pleasure not equally important? If you as a woman are reading this and thinking “it’s not that important to me” ask yourself why that is, because odds are that his orgasm is very important to you, and that, my dear readers, is the essence of what being a woman has become.
Other women chip in
‘ I can verify that it’s probably THE most incredibly physical feeling that exists – and maybe also mental feeling considering that you just feel good and satisfied and comfortable.. total bliss and sometimes a little hysterical laughter.’
‘I used to think my sex life was great. I thought I was having great sex, being satisfied, and that I was “getting it good”, so to speak. Then I met him, and he made me see that I’d never truly had sex until I slept with him. I had my first vaginal orgasm with him. The first time we slept together he gave me several of them. When I think of all the time and energy I’ve wasted having “sex” with the guys before him, I shudder. And only one guy since has been able to come close. I wasn’t in love with him; he was just that good.’
‘It just leaves me feeling completely, utterly, and absolutely happy.’
‘I feel bad for the women who’ve contended themselves to “I just won’t have one.” What is the point of sex if you’re not going to experience it fully? It makes me sick to think about.’
‘It’s indescribably wonderful. You feel it all over your body! Your stomach tightens and cramps (a good kind of cramping) and – in my case – it tickles all the way down to my toes, unlike clitoral orgasms that are really localized.’
‘I’m confused – the one I just had 2 hours ago is supposedly “not real”?’ (When I told an acquaintance about my upcoming blog post)
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‘Do you know that there are eminent physiologists who say women have no physical basis for vaginal orgasm?’ ‘Then they don’t know much, do they?’ (Lessing, 1962, p. 200).